Well..okay

So, one thing I’ve accepted in my life is that this do not stay the same. Including myself.

We are all changing. I wonder if that makes me like kimchee.

Death be not proud

My beloved’s father died. It still hurts, to be honest. He was hilarious. He was smart. Was he an ass? At times, yes. But he was human.

I’m not used to his absence. I’ve tried to intellectualize it…but it sucks.

Yes he had cancer, but he beat it twice.

So he won’t be here when I become his daughter in law. Well, technically I was…because that’s how he saw it.

I wanted to learn more from him, but life isn’t fair.

The irony? We were able to say goodbye…but it wasn’t enough.

We love you poppy.

-eggs-

Rage

one thing I wish that was touched on in religious settings is the correct way to deal with anger, or his older sibling Rage. At the churches I attended, rage was seen as something you had to be set free from, not something you must deal with in a healthy manner.

This is something that is wonderfully humane. A reminder that we have emotions. In the realm of anger, there is usually a reason why someone is angry. A pretty legitimate reason. But in church, anger in a human is usually seen as wrong unless it is something god hates. Which keeps shifting. As a result, a person who means well may do their best to keep their anger inside. They want to be a good Christian. So they hold it in, hold it in, and hold it in. Next thing you know, that person snaps at someone for giving them cold bread.

When the truth of the matter is that the bread isn’t a problem, it’s the unresolved issues eating away at you.

You talk to a minister, and they suggest prayer. Same thing the cell leader said. Because no one wants to be in the foxhole with you. They just want to pray once and it be done forever. So they take part of the glory…but none of the work.

They want the testimony but not the test.

And that is bunk. Life is messy. Horrible things happen, and it’s not the will of none but the abuser. They create excuses, gaslight, and push their will into the will of the universe. Saying the horrible thing that happened was god’s will. Which leads to the thought that god allowed it to happen..why. Just why.

So you try to find meaning in the abuse. But there’s no meaning. Only pain and an empty stomach bloated with lies. So you become angry. Or in my case, holding in rage. Which is sinful.

So you feel guilty about the sin of rage and try to never be angry again. But you fail.

Then you end up turning all that rage inward. Because you are convinced that you are the problem. Years of this happening either has you in a church, therapist’s office, morgue, or bar. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that the worst is over. So you close yourself off. Which only leaves more pain IN.

So you’re at a crossroads: either face that anger and work with it or hide it. I’m facing my anger, and it’s scary. Because I’m very angry. I feel diminished by the years that I’ve neglected to take care of myself. Hollow from the stubborn refusal to admit my not so happy Funtime feelings. I’ve cut off the darker part of me to be more pure…to have more light within me. But light cannot exist without dark. And ignoring part of me places me like a 3 legged chair, which is broken.

I desire revenge upon my abuses and rejectors. I desire them to admit that they did what they did to only cover their own hides. Not out of love. But it won’t happen because they refuse to deal.

So all I can do, what only you can do…is to be mad. Tell yourself it’s okay to be mad. Be angry. Focus it into something positive. Say that what happened did happen.

Deal with it. Tell loved ones. Find out what you need to do to heal.

But don’t ever hold it in. Admit that it is there! Because what you do not admit can have power over you.

And don’t let some moron in a hat tell you what is right for you. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to scream, do it.

Because only you know how much it hurts. People can only sympathize.

And if you need to rest, rest. Please take care of you. Place your health first.

Say no to guilt concerning being angry. Say no to guilt in cutting off abusive relationships.

You have only one life.

So get to work.

So Xanax DOES NOT cure everything? Damn.

I am not a fan of bigotry, yet I fully admit that I have my own biases. As woman of African-American descent(what does that even mean anymore…)I often assume that I must “prove” myself more than some of my lighter skinned comrades.

And in some cases, I’m totally correct in that assessment. Yet, there are times I become hypersensitive and miss an opportunity to really connect with someone. I use the term hypersensitive in the idea that I’m putting words in someone’s mouth (or brain). It is a defense mechanism that I’ve had since childhood. Growing up in Louisiana, it was rare that a child of color unabashedly spoke of their love of learning. If there was such a child, they were treated as an anomaly, or worse, bullied. I can still remember the taunts and conversations I had to deal with growing up:

Why do you act so white?

You’re not really black are you?

Black people aren’t supposed to like that.

Black people don’t _____________

And that was just from my black classmates. My white classmates looked at me with a sense of confusion, amusement, or fear. Those who were confused by me usually *got it* by the time they actually talked to me. I’m still friends with some of them currently. Same thing with those I amused. Because I tended to just say the oddest things(my brain works differently…yay add!). I am still friends with them also (Hi Kyle! Hi Travis!).

Those that feared me did the same thing that my black classmates would do, but with a twist. Some would assume making coon jokes was a great idea. The N word was used at times. At a fair with my cousins, some man who was at least three times our age kept taunting us. It took my cousin Danielle to help me out in that situation.

 

In all those situations it became very clear to me that I was *different*. To the black classmates, I was some stuck up broad who needed frequent beat downs to be kept in line. To the white classmates, I was a subhuman weirdo.

Because their parents said so.

Children tend to soak in a lot more than we think they do, which should be obvious. If a child hears degrading remarks about who they are, then they will naturally assume everyone is screwed up just like them or better than them. This fosters a feeling of helplessness and rage. If a child is in a chaotic home, continually hearing how minorities are the enemy then why are people surprised when they grow up and join a terrorist group like the klan or nation of islam?

If an adult has free license to say every hateful thing they think or have heard in front of a child, then why is surprise often the first response? If you tell a child that gay people are an abomination, muslims aren’t real Americans, and that minorities came from eve banging random animals do not be alarmed that they treat others with disrespect. You should expect it, to be honest. Because what you keep at the forefront in a child’s mind or model with your behavior is what you are going to end up with.

I know many are wondering why I am saying such strong words. It is because it needs to be said.

The rash of suicides, homicides, and hate group activity is not because of a lack of God.  These actions occur from the cognitive dissonance many who claim to be good Christian people have. You say that you love God, yet you tell your child that if they marry outside their race or the same sex that you will cut them off. Or worse murder them.

You tell your child that they are Nothing and will never be anything. You beat them, use them for your twisted desires, and break their spirit. All because you do not have the internal fortitude to deal with your demons.

You complain loudly about a monkey being in the white house and call our Muslim brothers and sisters ‘towelheads’.

You come off with this façade of superiority, only to cover your cowardice and emptiness. You join with others who are just as damaged as you, and say that you are richer.

It’s a never ending cycle folks. I rarely quote the bible, but it says that you should train a child in the way THEY should go. This gives the idea that the child might be ‘bent’ in a direction and you are to love, foster, and aid that child to be the best they can be. You are not to shove your dogma, bigotry, and desire for the elimination of all different people/things into them. To do so is to damage them, which then leads to a damaged adult who does some very screwed up things.

So, on this 9/11 we need to remember that for the most part, we can change the world. It’s as simple as volunteering in a poor area or teaching your kids to respect and love others. I do not say tolerate, because one should only tolerate broccoli or badly done fish, not people.

 

 

Took you long enough

It’s Tuesday here, and I often wonder wtf is wrong with people.

Since the last time I typed on here; people have become even more Derpy. And not the cute My Little Pony kind either.

Basically, a vocal majority of black ministers are freaking out because Obama said that marriage is a love thing. Not a *bits* thing.

It took him long enough, but he’s right.

Here’s hoping more people will “evolve”!

I wonder

It’s Samhain, or as we American folks call it, Halloween. I’ve been listening to various artists. One artist in particular I come back to: jennifer knapp.

She’s a Christian artist who was really big in the 90′s, and ended up disappearing out of nowhere. We find later that she left and moved to Australia. If you said wtf, then join the group.

Anyway, she met a nice girl, and decided to come out of the closet. I of course “knew” it(more like wishing really hard) and was all yay for her.

Well, her very fundy fans were NOT happy. Apparently being a lesbian and Christian doesn’t work.

A thought, just a thought:

What if it’s none of your business folks?! She’s in love, isn’t being beat to death, and is being honest to herself and her God.

I mean, if a fundy’s god is that small minded, then something is VERY wrong. I won’t take “you don’t know god’s ways”. That is a cop out and you know it. If he created her, then maybe, just maybe he knows.

Or maybe the idea of sexuality being something you can’t really box scares these folks.
It scared me, a lot. I was taught that my sexuality was not for ME. It was for the man I’d marry or convince myself that he loved me. I was a person that sexual acts were to be done TO, not to initiate. The shame that’s packed into a survivor’s body is enough to light a town. Couple that with the mixed signals one gets in youth church or at single’s conferences and you get a person who feels more like an object that a vibrant person.

And I feel, that it’s what they want us to feel like. It’s easier to debase yourself like a dog when you are told that your container…your body is dirty. It’s easier to depersonalize yourself when the emphasis in on the next life. This one is garbage!

And now, I look at Jennifer Knapp and wonder how she functions. What I mentioned is my own life, and I have to remind myself to breathe at times. I was so used to being an object, so very used to thinking my very normal desires were more kinky than age play…that the mere idea of someone desiring me sickened me.

I wanted intimacy, yet was poisoned against it. I was told to fear the male gaze. To assume that only teh PERFACT man of gawd could love and accept this broken effed up woman…made me my own enemy.

I feel angry, sorrowful, and retarded. I mean it in the fullest since of the word. I am a woman who was in arrested development for many years, and am only now trying to play catch up.

My innocence was stolen twice: first by my molesters, then by the very people I entrusted with my soul. I feel shipwrecked. And yet I can hear my mother’s own voice blaming me. Saying she warned me and that I deserved it.

I wonder if other refugees from fundamentalism feel this way. Just disjointed and envious of those who didn’t go through Jesus camp like training? Or do they never crack?

I wonder

This is about bad women

Hi Again Minions,

I know I got a bit winded on the rant, but it needed to be said. Anyway, I feel like I need to balance out my ranting. Because I have heard girls scream about why are there so many “douchebags” out there.

“I’m a good woman!” they cry out…

And most times they are, but other times I want to just pimp slap them and say NO YOU ARE NOT.

And here’s why:

Sleeping with a guy’s friends is not sexy or cool. It’s SKANKY.

- If you suffer from the “whatever” syndrome, you aren’t a good woman. You need to know what you like, what you do not like, and what you can “whatever” on. You like fish? Eat it. Don’t like fish? THEN DO NOT EAT IT.

- If you just “receive” actions, you are only a few steps from being a receptacle. And when a receptacle is broken or overfilled, there is only ONE thing to do to it: throw it away.

- Back to the receiving thing. It isn’t wrong to receive or want nice things. It is wrong when you expect your guy to foot the bill and he can barely rub two pennies together. Either get it yourself or rethink what you’re doing.

- Also, if you over give, you’re telling the guy “My love is nothing on its own.” Over giving causes the man to be complacent, you to stress about finances, and the debt collectors HAPPY.

- If you are dating a guy just because you do not want to be alone, do me and the guy a favor: dump him and find a hobby group.

- If you are with a guy just because the sex is “GREAT”, let me suggest something: get a damn vibrator. No penis is worth the headache. And while sex in a healthy relationship is key, if that is all there is, you are not dating. You are FUCK BUDDIES.

- Going into relationship thinking you can change a guy into the perfect guy? Stop while you are the fuck ahead. If you change him, he’s perfect alright. For another woman.

- Cheating on a guy because he cheated on you is not smart. It’s very stupid. 1) You get exposed to even more STDs and 2) You are on the same level as him…which is the corn that is found in feces.

- Finding yourself while dating someone is scary, but good. Shaping you to fit a guy? Very bad.

- Calling a guy ten thousand times a day? That’s not dating. That’s being a damn stalker.

- Trapping a guy into marriage via “oopsie” pregnancy? He will resent you and the baby.

- Not taking a man seriously when he says something about himself is dangerous. I have too many stories of me doing that. One even ended with a twisted arm.

- When a man says he doesn’t deserve you, don’t try and prove him wrong. Don’t lessen YOUR shine because he’s intimidated by you.

- If a man is intimidated by you, he will try to break you. That’s wrong. But when you are broken to the point where you are hitting yourself in the head with a hammer saying NO! NO! I CAN BE BETTER!? Just start planning for your tombstone because you have effectively died.

- Refusing to date a man because he’s too “high-brow” or “seems gay” is not you “keeping it real”. It’s you deterring yourself from happiness by way of refusing to sample “difference”. I’m not saying run after vatos, but honestly, if a guy who likes sailing thinks you are a hottie, just try it.

- It’s called DATING, not marriage. If you feel like you are getting serious in month two, wait a while. It’s the hormones.

- If you can look at the guy while he’s sleeping and not want to put a pillow over his head ONCE….readjust your meds

- If you expect relationships to be “me, me, me” then you are on a great start to becoming a me-ogomist.

- Compromise is NOT a dirty word. I can’t play Farmville all day (I wish I could…) and the boyfriend can’t play Magic all day. There has to be something going on.

- If you have to beg your guy to take you on a date, he’s already assumed you are not worth it. LEAVE. Not try to sing “stranger in my house”. Just freaking leave.

And my favorite: staying with a guy just because your financial outlook will improve? That doesn’t make you smart it makes you a hooker.

This is about evil bastards

So, I was on twitter, being a twit, when someone posted a quote. It goes like this:

“Girls do not want nice guys, girls just want the douchebags.”

Here is something I’ve noticed. Guys who complain about girls not wanting “nice guys” usually have the problem of “but it’s not a douche when I do it”. And baby let me tell you, oh yes it is.

Telling a girl that you really like her and that you two hit it off is sweet. But doing that then screwing her best friend right after you dropped her off (the first girl, not the best friend)….that’s a douche move.

Telling two girls within five minutes of each other that you love “Only them” and to “Not to tell the other one” is a douche move.

Slapping your girlfriend in public is abusive, but then telling her friends it was HER that was the abusive one? Yeah. You’re a douche.

Whining about not finding a good girl in your state, but then turning down another girl because she’s “too far”, then getting testy with her because she moved on and got a boyfriend? THAT IS VERY douche-like behavior compadre.

Whining about not finding a “good girl”, but you refuse to leave the house, stated to your best male friend (who has a girlfriend of own but she’s. BLACK) that you rather be with your “own kind” than be with a geeky girl who may or may not have a “big ass” and Hispanic or whatever. That’s not only douchy but closed-minded and I cannot understand nor fathom why you are so close. That is how douchy it is

Calling a girl “bitter” when she opens up about her abusive ex.

Telling said girl that maybe “she did something to warrant it”
Telling any woman to “get over” being sexually assaulted
Laughing at a girl who just got the courage up to ask YOU out.

Telling a girl she’s perfect BUT she’s the wrong

-race
-size
-ethnicity
-subgroup
Accusing all attractive women of being gold-digging whores when you ask them out and they either say very kindly, “I’m flattered, but no thank you.”
Referring to all of your exes as either whores or skanks.

And my favorite? Having an impossible list of expectations for a girlfriend, and dumping her ass if she fails on just ONE of the items. No, not like “don’t be a cheating whore”, I mean things like “DO NOT GAIN WEIGHT” or “She was being uppity”. Uppity how? By actually telling you “no”?

What we have here is an epidemic of douches in kind men’s clothing. They walk the same, talk the same, but it isn’t until you get behind closed doors that you can tell the difference. This is the guy who cries on a dime if you try to dump him because he was verbally abusive but then dumps YOU because he “Wanted to beat you to the punch first”.
This man will sit on his ass and spend your hard earned money, yet if you ask him for a loan, he calls you a gold-digger.
This guy suffers from BBD syndrome, the bigger better deal. If you seem like the best, he will woo you, and then out of nowhere, kick you out of your own house to fuck your little sister.
These are not “nice guys”. These are man-children who will never, EVER grow up. These are the men who fill the “men’s rights” groups, treat their daughters like chattel, and demand that their more intelligent mate stays home because “he’s the man”.
No, he’s a chump and you should run as far away from him as possible. You will be doing yourself and your future descendants a favor.