Monthly Archives: July 2010

They will try to Fix You


My mother has always wondered if I was a lesbian. At ages 16,22, and 28(now) she has asked me if I was a “Dyke, Lesbian, into girls, or just not straight”.

And every time I said no.

Especially when I was in the church.

But when I was  younger, I knew that I liked girls. And boys. I kinda came upon them at the same time. What caused me to just focus on guys was being crushed(like a bug!) by a girl who I had a thing for at age 11. So for the most part, when I said I was straight, I meant it. Mostly cause I thought it was a phase. Just something every girl goes through before she finds the man she loves.

That and around age 13 I became a fundamentalist, so my mental functions became even more pushed into pleasing God, pleasing people, and just remaking myself into this super awesome Christian woman who would marry at 23 and have 2 kids and be a youth pastor.

The twinges of attraction I felt towards girls at the church, I just told myself that I was just jealous of their figures. That I wanted to be LIKE them. Beautiful(at that time), desired, highly thought of.

And yeah, I wanted those things, but I also wanted some cuddles.

And the awkward years until about age 26, I would come out, go back in, come out, go back in…

I made my poor closet have whiplash.

Until I got tired of lying about what I was really attracted to: Jack AND Jill. Not always together. In fact, I preferred them seperate. A way to really enjoy myself if you will.

I didn’t deal with THAT much resistance besides that from my grandmother and mother. Okay, I kinda lie. My grandmother is still in denial while my mother told me that I better not bring “that” into the house.

Like it’s a freaking dirty housepet.

Something that makes life uncomfortable for those beside the owner..

Something someone thinks they should have an opnion on…

Something that needs to be “cleaned up” or “hid”…

Just like a housepet.

Except this was a part of who I am, my identity.

And to think that because I am attracted to both sexes, someone would want to put me either in jail or murder me.

You heard me right dearies, someone wants every single one of the folks who claim themselves as LBGTQ to just die. Preferably by the hand of the state.

That showed up on a lot of  equality websites on or after 7.26.2010

The gist of the link I just put in(because it won’t let me insert is this. In Indiana, the NOM(National Organization for Marriage) was doing(as it has been doing for a good bit of the summer), it’s been doing a “One woman, One Man” Tour(is it REALLY called that?!) and well…that was a sign of many that showed up during their visit.

Because apparently the only way to cure the gays of their desire for “equality” and not wanting to be treated differently(in a bad way), is to hang them.

Because that worked SO well with those uppity negroes(instilled fear in some, yes.)!

And if you can’t get a rope, you always can assault them when they are doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING:

Because, of course, the homosexuals are people who are OBVIOUSLY degenerates trying to get to our children. Just like MTV, Porn Sellers, and Cigerette Companies.

At least, that is what my(former) pastor and all his cronies believe:

Because apparently, no matter how hard I work or how good of a person I or my friends are…we will NEVER be totally accepted because we are wired the way we are sexually. Because my love is seen as sin. My best friend is reduced to a sex act, and not the time, effort, and sweat he put into his monogomous relationship. If my friend D were to die, he’d leave his partner with nothing, even if he toed the line and spelled everything out.

Heck, there are over 1,000 benefits that straight married folks are able to have that those in a serious same sex relationship cannot get(even if they are “blessed” by their church). Here are just a few:

– Ability to Adopt Jointly

-Ability for a divorce

-Veteran’s Discounts

-Status-as next of kin

And the list goes on. But as I said before, no matter how much the religious folks want to make this a Religious issue, it just isn’t. It is honestly about civil rights. Because whether you marry in a church or a bog, if you don’t sign a marriage lisence, your marriage is not valid in the eyes of the state.

That and marriage has taken such large strides in only a few hundred years. Before the civil war, my mom would have not been able to marry(thus giving a stable center) her stud.

Before 1967, I wouldn’t have been able to marry Daniel.

And the same rhetoric was used to deny marriage to both parties.

I do not see “marriage” being destroyed by biracial kids and black folks.

Instead, I see it destroyed by folks who do not take it seriously. Folks who see it as something to lord over their single friends, something to validate themselves as a woman/man, something they should “do” because all their friends are doing it, something as a base so they can go troll around for partners outside of their marriage because their mate “doesn’t do it for them anymore”, or something to do to get a leg up financially.

But yet two women or two men marrying will cause the earth to explode from the heaviness of it’s sin.

bullet wrongful death benefits for a surviving partner and children;
bullet bereavement or sick leave to care for a partner or child;
bullet decision-making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her;
bullet crime victims’ recovery benefits;
bullet loss of consortium tort benefits;
bullet domestic violence protection orders;
bullet judicial protections and evidentiary immunit

Let your fingers do the talking


Guys and Girls..okay Girls mostly, I want to talk to you about female masturbation.

*taps on screen* You still there with me? Alright, good.

I have noticed something, that even among the more sexually “liberal” women, there isn’t much talk about masturbation. Self pleasure if you will. I mean, there are some women who talk about it, but let’s be honest. What is the first thing that possibly pops in your mind when one of your female friends say “I had the house all to myself last night, so I brought out the sybian and rode it like no tomorrow!”.

You’d  probably think to yourself: ‘Dear God, why did she tell me that?! That’s Disgusting!’ or ‘I don’t know why she had to wait be by herself. Is she having problems in her relationship with________?’

And while those responses are legitimate because they’re in YOUR head, they reek of  some antiquated notions. The first being that self-love(or self-lust for some of my hotter readers) is disgusting. And why is that? Could it be that the girl, when masturbating, is touching herself while making a mud pie?

No, not really.

Maybe, it’s because she didn’t wash the cucumber that she used to limber herself up.

Wrong again.

Alright, I get it. It’s because we women are taught from a young age that only “Dirty Girls” do, and that to even admit that you do, throws you in the realm of the Whore(despite the fact you may or may not have had partnered sex with more than one person in your life, or if you did..did not get paid for it)?


That idea, coupled with the lie that women just are not as into sex as men, has caused many a girl/woman to feel guilt for touching themselves in a manner that brings pleasure. And if they do it more than once a month, they wonder if they have a sexual disorder.

Well let me assure you, you do  not.

Unless it’s a compulsion to do so, but that is a different discussion.

So back to the roughing up of the bearded clam.

Girls, it’s not a slippery slope to hell or whoredom. If anything, it’s just one more way of getting to know yourself better. What girl would want to go through life not knowing something that valuable about themselves?

Well at one time, I did. I was under the delusion(yes, delusion) that if I kept myself TOTALLY pure(i.e. no touchy touchy the self included) that I would be rewarded with a sexually intelligent male sometime in the future(you know I was going to tie my faith in didn’t you?).

Well, it didn’t work. As a teen, one can only be so turned on for periods of time and not need either to touch themselves or take a cold shower.

And one can only listen to WOW hits 1997 until it just becomes background music for self exploration.

So I masturbated. And I still do.

Of course I have lingering fears of talking about it to folks, but don’t all humans?

*someone taps me on the shoulder to tell me to get on with it already*

Okay, okay..

‘But what about those who are in relationships that masturbate?’, you think to yourself. ‘Surely there is something wrong with them?’

Not really. A person’s sex drive will continue on, with or without their loved one. And well, you gotta take care of yours as they (I can assuredly say) they take care of theirs. And let’s be real: what guy/girl wouldn’t think it’s hot that his girlfriend/wife pleases herself(especially if a thought about them brought it on!).

So women, crook your fingers and play “find the pearl”.

It’ll be a rewarding venture, let me tell you!

Links on Female Masturbation:

Homophobia: May 2008


I have been mulling this idea of homophobia and homosexuality lately, even more so since California has given gays the right to marry(freaking finally). Well, if I could think anymore on it, I couldn’t. Well, or so I thought. As you know I go to bethany world prayer center. And what I had to hear that day made me want to walk out of the church. Basically they were praying for it to be stopped and not to go on in any more of the states. And all I could hear in my heart was “How self-righteous”. So, when they wanted to pray against it, I prayed my own prayer:

“Lord, forgive us for enforcing our beliefs on people who either don’t want to hear or who have a different path to you. Forgive us for judging our brothers and sisters who you created. Amen”

IF anyone heard that, they’d probally stone me. What I should have added was:

“And forgive us for using political issues to force our agenda. Help us to remember our first love”

As you can assume, I am for the marriage of gays and lesbians. Not because I think that it is a superior way, but because I personally believe that this is not a religious problem as people would like to cloke it. This is a homophobia problem. Compare this to me marrying my friend Chris or my friend Erik. Many years ago this would not be possible, because of my assumed race. This would have landed us in jail. People called it unnatural and wrong. Said that if you married outside of your race you were sinning.
Fast Forward to now. I have friends that are gay, and as many of you know, I am bisexual. Some say: “it undermines straight marriage”. My question is how? Is marriage so brittle that if two gays or two lesbians marry then the whole marriage thing will fall? I think not. It will do like any other institution, it will stretch and mold to fit the times.
Others say: “Well it is wrong and to say that gays can marry is approving of an abomination”. First, let’s get to the definition of an abomination:
1) a cause of disgust.
In other words, it’s a matter of taste. Not a sin. If you really want to be right about it, you’d call it ” something that goes against the norms as to cause disgust when violated”.
Alright, so to you it is a source of disgust. Alrighty then. IF you say it is an abomination to God, then let me remind of you of many things in the old testement that were abominations:
-mixed cloth
-animals that didn’t chew cud(wtf is cud)
Did Jesus say anyhing about gays and marriage? No, because he was focused more on the establishment of his spiritual kingdom than that or women’s rights and so on.
But Paul did say somethings:
The first time you see it, it is used in Romans 1 and it is a CLEAR no no. But he seems to use homosexuality as this thought that man did it to send a big “fuck you” to god(ie rebellion).
That seems to not work so well. Because I have talked to gay men, and can I put this? The last person they’d want to piss off IS god. So, where is the rebellion? Is it in the fact they can’t make kids? If that is the case then my grandmother is in rebellion, because she had her girly bits removed and couldn’t have anymore kids after my mother. My mom can’t have any. AT all.
So are they in rebellion also?
But if this is what you believe, then it’s either all or nothing there.
But I digress.
If it is an abomination to you, then please don’t touch me on my period because then you’ll need to kill some birds because i’m unclean.
I know, snarky snarky.
But seriously, if the use of a relgious text is your reason for not wanting gays to marry, then I have one quesiton:
Why do you honestly care? You, along with me and my other friends are going to be pulled out in the rapture. Shouldn’t this be a sign that the world is ending and you should be spending more time on preparing yourself instead of trying to take over the world you freaking domininist?

Things not said in polite company: 2008


When I am queen,I will decree that birth control would be not only be free, but with it comes a comprehensive sexual education class. You know what I am talking about, the class most of us slept through except those who just had to make an A. “But Monica…” you say, “won’t that make people have sex MORE?”
Poppycock.If anything it would enforce a feeling of responsibility, and hopefully that would lower the rates of illegitamate births and abortions. But I could be wrong.

You know what some self righeous people tell to girls who just get knocked up? “Well that is your problem, you should have kept your legs closed.” Excuse me? Her WHAT? So you’re telling me if a woman got knocked up she should just take it in stride? What if she doesn’t have the money or the family cohesiveness that some other women may have? And what if she gives the child up for adoption? Does that make her less of a woman? No.
But that is besides the point mr and mrs holier than thou. Because then you go one further with the smugness. You then tell them they cannot abort because it is a life that is sacred. Alright, let me get this straight. It’s a problem AND a life? I’d say she got the short end of the stick. And what she needs now more than anything is someone to really hold her hand and help her out instead of pointing fingers and being all i am better than you. In other words, if you are so sure the life is sacred, either help her out by giving of time or resources or the adult thing…adopt the child yourself.
But some folks won’t do that, because they take joy in putting others down because they can, using Christianity and other belief systems as a freaking cloak to make themselves appear holy to others all the while giving a black eye to the faith they are supposed to represent. Which then just makes us look bad.

Boiling Frogs and Chasity


As you all know, I have been writing in my blog called All My Eggs In One Blog. The beginning is just small amount of my background(okay large amount) and some of my musings. Well, besides doing that, I chat on the website Free Jinger. It talks about Quiverfull Familes and such, but since a few weeks ago, we’ve been talking about things that are abundant in the Christian Right.

Well, one of the things is the analogy of the boiling frog. For those who don’t know that analogy, it goes as such:

You take a frog, and put it in a pot/wide mouthed beaker of cold water. If you warm it up slowly, it will not make any attempts to escape. In fact, it will just zone out and cook to death.

This moral of the analogy is that if you start to do A it will lead to Z. Aka, the slippery slope defense. For my non-religious friends, this analogy is used to say that if you even BEGIN to start doing something “innocent” like listen to secular music, you will end up a hardcore satan worshiper before the end.

But it is not usually used in that manner. It’s usually used to talk about how if you start doing “innocent” sexual actions to someone who is not your wife(if you are single and a teen/young adult) you will end up headlong into sin(aka boiling).

But Brother Rob(hey Mary, remember him?) only used that analogy once. Instead, he used the Coke can analogy. Your purity(aka virginity) is an unopened coke can. If you open that can before it’s time , POP! You’re innocence/virginity is gone and the person who is drinking is not your husband. So, you keep offering this half drunk coke to various “drinkers” to the point where when you DO find the one, there is no more of “you” left.

What that translated into is this: If you have sex before marriage, you are damaged goods. No one wants to drink after someone else, and you could be covered with all types of diseases or just plain past your “sell-by-date”. But if you wait for TEH ONE!!!!1111 to “pop your top”, you will know that you did the right thing as that you are fufilling their thirst and their thirst alone.

Even as a fundie I saw something very wrong with that.

Maybe it’s because my mother had me out of wedlock, and despite her loving me and caring for me…I honestly wondered that if she felt the tiniest bit of shame that she didn’t have her “whole coke” to give to her groom(I was a teen, so work with me here).

Heck, I felt ashamed for her, because I was the end result of her…daliance. I felt ashamed for myself too. I already was damaged goods from being abused so much, add the fact that I was a bastard of the worse caliber…

I had to redeem myself. Not in the way of “save” myself, but to exhalt my standing among my friends at WOL and family. The only ways that I could think of were two things:

-marry young like brother rob and miss julie and have loads of kids

– get involved with the minstry

Then and only then would I be able to really feel “okay” with myself for existing. And just like that, I started looking for a husband(still a teen).

Now that I am 28 and still not married, I realize what really drove me to accept the horrible relationships I was in, from Ricky Helmer to Desmond Stevens.

Before I even “Gave my coke away”, I gave away my dignity. I think, to be honest, I never had it I mean, let’s be honest.I mean, after reading “I kissed Dating Goodbye”, I don’t think anyone would. I felt like a hollow person. But let me finish. For a young teen to think that maybe, just maybe, the pain, terror, and shame can be wiped away by someone who loves you(and is human)…it is very sad indeed. It speaks volumes of the fallacy I just spoke of, and of how utterly broken in spirit I was(not in the good way, is there ever a good way?!).

I did my best, or so I thought. I was so obsessed with being the perfect Christian woman, and ultimately the perfect Christian girlfriend-cum-wife, it almost killed me. I don’t blame just the things I was taught in church, I also blame myself for not being strong enough to see that I could make it without a man.

The first time I was SURE I found the “one” was when I befriended Raul Ramos after I came back from a missions trip. He was funny, kind, treated me with respect, and Christian.

But he had a problem. One was an ex girlfriend determined not to let him go(the girl actually cornered me my senior year of high school and told me how she would love him FOR EVAH.)

The other was the fact that girls fell for him, fast.

He was also really possessive. I wasn’t even his girlfriend(in name) but he acted like already put money down on the farm! I let it slide. I thought it was just love.

But I was certain that he was THE ONE. He even asked my mom for my hand in courtship. He respected me enough to not even touch me, even though the guy was a horn dog(I heard rumors).

But even after he told me that he didn’t want me going to medical school, I still loved him. I thought since he would be the head sooner or later, I should listen.

But I did go to college. And one day, I heard from Monica Blair that he married Jessica. Ouch.

I was heartbroken to the point of nausea. And I got even more wacky.

So I would pursue these guys that were horrible for me, all because I wanted to be tEH BESTEST WIFE EVAH, to cover my multitudes of screwed-up-ness.

That and the fear that if I did not accept a man as he was, that I would NEVER find a mate. EVER. Heck, a few times in my teen life, I thought that I’d be better off as a lipstick lesbian who adopted children, since no man would ever want me.

But there are girls just like me, who came to fundementalism as a way to feel whole, good, and right…but only left feeling even more screwed up than when you left. You have these issues, and despite how hard you try and how hard you pray, you come up even more empty and hurt than before. So you carry this around and try to do everything from A to Z. So then you read books, about how to do the A to Z thing, and you fail. So you beat yourself up.For me, it was trying to be as pure as possible. For the longest while, I didn’t even hang out with guys alone except for a few times here and there.

And it all goes swell until something SNAPS. So I walked away from church, gave my coke away, but still wanted to actually marry someone(lower standards a bit MORE). I kept doing this until I met Satan himself, in the form of a smooth talking Fiance.

It’s ironic how when you are about to get what you wanted(or what you thought you wanted) after all the time you prayed and cried and seeked…only to walk away and it falls into your lap..

You realize that you rather put nine inch spikes through your eyelids than take that “gift”. And you walk away from it.

That was the happiest day of my life. After that day, I finally got to see myself. She’s not damaged goods, a little dinged up, but when you go through life…you should expect a few scars. The desire for marriage is still there. And well, the shame is also still there(not from the loss of coke mind you). But It’s bearable now. I can vocalize it without fear.

August 2009


Being a woman who has spent a large amount of time in the church, i can tell you I’ve heard some crackpot theories. I’ve heard about gold dust coming and settiling on the believers(the true believers that is). I have heard about extrasensory happenings going on during praise and worship(smelling things or feeling like you’re in a lake). I even have read a book about how the world was going to end or something like that in 2000.
Besides that insane stuff, I have my experience in the nondenominational department.
I’ve had hands laid on me, been exorcized and have fallen out under the glory of God. I’ve prayed in tongues. I’ve seen visions and had dreams. That sounds a bit insane to most believers, but is under the banner of “spirit filled” churches, which is fine. But before I was involved with anything like that, I was a Baptist.
I know, spare the thought right? lol. But seriously, i was a dyed in the wool baptist. Anyway, why am I saying all this? I wanted to show my “credentials” before I go off.
There are wolves prowling around, drunk on what little fame they have. Their hate speech has ramshod around america and can only be compared to Stormfront in the ability to bring together people in hate.
One of the people that I speak of is Steven Anderson. He’s a pastor in Arizona who prays for the death of President Obama. Daily.
As that soaks in your head, there is another winner who prays for the death of Obama. Pastor Drake.
These guys want our president dead.Not only do they want him dead, they want him to go to a place of eternal suffering. Why do they want him dead(and in hell) you ask? Well it’s a toss up. 1) He’s black(well he can’t change that …..). 2) he supports the right for women to chose. 3) they believe he is not American.
These are very dumb reasons to wish someone dead. What I believe is that they are using the grevious sin of abortion as a cover up for their own bigoted beliefs. And to bring in God(if he is real or not is the question here) as some type of goon who does their dirty work is appalling. This has gone from crackpot Christianity into something much darker. But what really sickens me is that there aren’t many Christians talking about this, denouncing it and calling it for what it is: unabashed hatred.
Why is that? I have my theories. One of them is that we as a group have become so politicized that we’ve become numb to anything else. We would rather sit with “our group” and not stretch ourselves out as Christ did and actually do good. We go to church, we listen to a poltical sermon about how we’re better because we’re repubs or better because we’re dems. We allow ourselves to become pawns of the political elite instead of making any real lasting change.
Another theory is that there is a smaller amount of loving Christians than what we say we have. This is made shockingly obvious when we have leaders who kowtow to the poltical elite,fame, and money. When they took those vows, it was to better the Christian family, not for selfish gain. Or maybe not. Going down to the church members now. Where is our love? Not that nambly pambly love that goes out like a candle but something that brings forth good fruit.
My last theory is that we’ve made Christianity into more of a business than what it was over 2000 ago. It has become McJesus with a side of grace. We care more about the numbers than we do the health of the ones we have. I am not putting down witnessing, but seriously. If you have nothing but malnutritioned idiots then you’re doing it wrong. It’s supposed to be a family that is healthy and whole. But that is the idealist coming out in me.
I honestly wish that Christ’s prayer would come true, that we become one as he and the Father are one. But it isn’t going to happen with people like this at the helm.

Dear Sweet Jesus I hate Ann Coulter: Dec 2006


You either love her or hate her, this much is true. With Ann Coulter there is no middle ground, just psychotic anger and complete acceptance.

But that’s besides the point. Why have I picked on Ann Coulter? Is it because I have no life? Or could it be that there is nothing good on tv? Nah. I just like talking(typing). Well that and I dislike a person who is so nasty; they cause me to have stomach ulcers. Anyway, here it goes.

This was her November 22, 2006 “article” on the whole iman debacle.

It’s not horrid that she even said what happened(as if she was there). It’s the comments she made. I’ll give a top two of my favorites.

– If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether

-The idea that a Muslim boycott against US Airways would hurt the airline proves that Arabs are utterly tone-deaf. This is roughly the equivalent of Cindy Sheehan taking a vow of silence. How can we hope to deal with people with no sense of irony? The next thing you know, New York City cab drivers will be threatening to bathe.

I am going to walk away for a second to let that sink in.

Ann, it isn’t that just all muslims would boycott, but other belief systems and races also. On any aspect, if they were innocent(note the word if) then people will come together to fight injustice.

During the 1960’s, did just black people boycott buses?

Heck, I’ll even go more recent. With this whole Gay Marriage thing, are just gay men and women fighting for it? (NO)

But that isn’t of her concern, it’s stopping another 9/11. According to her, Muslims(which were Saudi) were on the plane which brought so many people to their graves.

But yet she forgets the Unibomber and Timothy McVeigh. Granted, they were American and white nationalists who if anything had a sketchy idea on God or whatever, but they bombed people for the same reason the 9/11 jerk offs did: they thought our government were evil and it needed to be fixed, by any means necessary.

But you didn’t hear much about it from Ann Coulter. It’s all about the Muslims. The muslims this, the muslims that…and how we should bomb their countries.
She wants to bomb the daylights out of anyone who isn’t Christian, but if someone took that idea on us, she’d be livid.

hypocrisy anyone?

I know a lot of her fans would be angry that I would say such a thing, but I don’t care. When lies are touted as the truth, I get a bit miffed. When xenophobia is a virtue and kindness for all is eschewed, I get a bit testy. The truth of the matter is, Ann is a woman who looks in mirror and forgets her own image. She will use minority groups as scapegoats and uses others to her advantage. How does she use them? She uses them as verbal punching bags, attempting to relieve the self-hatred that festers in her own heart. But, she has her uses: She continually teaches us that there is a part of America this is still backwards, foolish, and emotionally cold. That religion can be used as a baseball to the knees of normally rational people instead of an assist or something helpful like that. And that hysteria still sells.

Long story short: If we ignore her, she will go away. Either that or end up on David Duke’s European Salvation Board.

But until then, I’ll keep blogging.