So I am having a problem with this Christian thing. If I am called by God to him, and he accepts all….
Then why are gays going to hell again? This kinda throws me off right here. See, I am bisexual. I don’t force it on anyone, at all. But because I fall for girls, I have a one way ticket to hell.
What made me think this?
A trip to Bethany of course. Sure I go there, but when you sit there and say that homosexual christians are not included in the body, then you just alienated someone:
I came to the cross, asked for forgiveness…
I am still damned.
This angers me because to be quite honest I’d like to be straight, but I won’t force it because then I’d be like rebelling because I’d feel like I was living a lie.
I really tried. And it hurts to be told this. Not in that loving way either. But in that “I really think you just hate us” way. I won’t come after anyone. For crying out loud, I popped out this way. No really. If it is true about what scientists say that by age 6 you know…oh I KNEW.
And it hurts, because deep down inside I want to have my seat at the table, to be godly righteous and all that grand stuff..I guess.
But it is almost like being given a prize, only to have it taken away because you have a mole on your shoulder.
*sigh* I feel like instead of being drawn to christ…..I feel like someone nicely intruded on my walk and tried to drag me back to block whatever.
But to be honest, what I want to say is “Fuck you” to folks who think that it’s a great ideal to give any gay person a complex just as they get into the church. Why do you think that we leave? Not just cause we’re offended, but it honestly feels like someone steals your birthright.
And I refuse to let some bastard do that to me just because the misread abuser of men as a man who sleeps with a man willingly. Yeah, I went there. I don’t rape anyone, in fact if anyone should be complaining, it is my damned hand because I am trying to be as “good” as possible.
To be honest, I’d rather work on the deeper issues I have before we get to nailing me to a damned stake:
1) The fact that despite I have sex with guys, I mentally disconnect and actually HATE penetration with a penis. Why is that? Oh, because ever since I was a kid I was sexually abused. No I will not shut up about it or get over it. Someone crossed MY boundaries and defiled MY body. I much rather be with a woman because there’s no possibility of a penis showing up. But that’s my twisted logic from my childhood.
2) The fact that I have not had a father. No, I had a sperm donor. The son of a bitch still says I am not his. Or how about the fact that my grandfather didn’t accept me until I was 6 or so.
3) The fact that I thought Emily and co were my friends, and well..I got backstabbed.
This shit hurts. It hurts alot. The first two have basically aided in wrecking ANY romantic relationship I have. I either pick abusers or emotionally aloof assholes which just makes it go on. I go after girls who are just as bad.
And I am just tired of it. So if I am not on the page of Christianity 101 it could be because God had to put me in a “How to not kill yourself 101” class. I can’t fit in that mold. My wounds are too deep, and your poking them…
just made it worse.
And folks WONDER why I don’t trust christians of any type or I stick to the psalms. Why I am so selfish about attention or so on. I would love to be this perfect vision of what a christian, god believer or anyone would be…
But I am far too broken to even be that photo. Too fragile. Do you know how much it scares me to admit this to myself? To admit that I hurt that much? Yes, I talk on it, but I really think this entry has made the point clear. I am on that tightrope, and I could fall any time.
Fucking going to church bastards.