As you all know, I have been writing in my blog called All My Eggs In One Blog. The beginning is just small amount of my background(okay large amount) and some of my musings. Well, besides doing that, I chat on the website Free Jinger. It talks about Quiverfull Familes and such, but since a few weeks ago, we’ve been talking about things that are abundant in the Christian Right.
Well, one of the things is the analogy of the boiling frog. For those who don’t know that analogy, it goes as such:
You take a frog, and put it in a pot/wide mouthed beaker of cold water. If you warm it up slowly, it will not make any attempts to escape. In fact, it will just zone out and cook to death.
This moral of the analogy is that if you start to do A it will lead to Z. Aka, the slippery slope defense. For my non-religious friends, this analogy is used to say that if you even BEGIN to start doing something “innocent” like listen to secular music, you will end up a hardcore satan worshiper before the end.
But it is not usually used in that manner. It’s usually used to talk about how if you start doing “innocent” sexual actions to someone who is not your wife(if you are single and a teen/young adult) you will end up headlong into sin(aka boiling).
But Brother Rob(hey Mary, remember him?) only used that analogy once. Instead, he used the Coke can analogy. Your purity(aka virginity) is an unopened coke can. If you open that can before it’s time , POP! You’re innocence/virginity is gone and the person who is drinking is not your husband. So, you keep offering this half drunk coke to various “drinkers” to the point where when you DO find the one, there is no more of “you” left.
What that translated into is this: If you have sex before marriage, you are damaged goods. No one wants to drink after someone else, and you could be covered with all types of diseases or just plain past your “sell-by-date”. But if you wait for TEH ONE!!!!1111 to “pop your top”, you will know that you did the right thing as that you are fufilling their thirst and their thirst alone.
Even as a fundie I saw something very wrong with that.
Maybe it’s because my mother had me out of wedlock, and despite her loving me and caring for me…I honestly wondered that if she felt the tiniest bit of shame that she didn’t have her “whole coke” to give to her groom(I was a teen, so work with me here).
Heck, I felt ashamed for her, because I was the end result of her…daliance. I felt ashamed for myself too. I already was damaged goods from being abused so much, add the fact that I was a bastard of the worse caliber…
I had to redeem myself. Not in the way of “save” myself, but to exhalt my standing among my friends at WOL and family. The only ways that I could think of were two things:
-marry young like brother rob and miss julie and have loads of kids
– get involved with the minstry
Then and only then would I be able to really feel “okay” with myself for existing. And just like that, I started looking for a husband(still a teen).
Now that I am 28 and still not married, I realize what really drove me to accept the horrible relationships I was in, from Ricky Helmer to Desmond Stevens.
Before I even “Gave my coke away”, I gave away my dignity. I think, to be honest, I never had it I mean, let’s be honest.I mean, after reading “I kissed Dating Goodbye”, I don’t think anyone would. I felt like a hollow person. But let me finish. For a young teen to think that maybe, just maybe, the pain, terror, and shame can be wiped away by someone who loves you(and is human)…it is very sad indeed. It speaks volumes of the fallacy I just spoke of, and of how utterly broken in spirit I was(not in the good way, is there ever a good way?!).
I did my best, or so I thought. I was so obsessed with being the perfect Christian woman, and ultimately the perfect Christian girlfriend-cum-wife, it almost killed me. I don’t blame just the things I was taught in church, I also blame myself for not being strong enough to see that I could make it without a man.
The first time I was SURE I found the “one” was when I befriended Raul Ramos after I came back from a missions trip. He was funny, kind, treated me with respect, and Christian.
But he had a problem. One was an ex girlfriend determined not to let him go(the girl actually cornered me my senior year of high school and told me how she would love him FOR EVAH.)
The other was the fact that girls fell for him, fast.
He was also really possessive. I wasn’t even his girlfriend(in name) but he acted like already put money down on the farm! I let it slide. I thought it was just love.
But I was certain that he was THE ONE. He even asked my mom for my hand in courtship. He respected me enough to not even touch me, even though the guy was a horn dog(I heard rumors).
But even after he told me that he didn’t want me going to medical school, I still loved him. I thought since he would be the head sooner or later, I should listen.
But I did go to college. And one day, I heard from Monica Blair that he married Jessica. Ouch.
I was heartbroken to the point of nausea. And I got even more wacky.
So I would pursue these guys that were horrible for me, all because I wanted to be tEH BESTEST WIFE EVAH, to cover my multitudes of screwed-up-ness.
That and the fear that if I did not accept a man as he was, that I would NEVER find a mate. EVER. Heck, a few times in my teen life, I thought that I’d be better off as a lipstick lesbian who adopted children, since no man would ever want me.
But there are girls just like me, who came to fundementalism as a way to feel whole, good, and right…but only left feeling even more screwed up than when you left. You have these issues, and despite how hard you try and how hard you pray, you come up even more empty and hurt than before. So you carry this around and try to do everything from A to Z. So then you read books, about how to do the A to Z thing, and you fail. So you beat yourself up.For me, it was trying to be as pure as possible. For the longest while, I didn’t even hang out with guys alone except for a few times here and there.
And it all goes swell until something SNAPS. So I walked away from church, gave my coke away, but still wanted to actually marry someone(lower standards a bit MORE). I kept doing this until I met Satan himself, in the form of a smooth talking Fiance.
It’s ironic how when you are about to get what you wanted(or what you thought you wanted) after all the time you prayed and cried and seeked…only to walk away and it falls into your lap..
You realize that you rather put nine inch spikes through your eyelids than take that “gift”. And you walk away from it.
That was the happiest day of my life. After that day, I finally got to see myself. She’s not damaged goods, a little dinged up, but when you go through life…you should expect a few scars. The desire for marriage is still there. And well, the shame is also still there(not from the loss of coke mind you). But It’s bearable now. I can vocalize it without fear.