So, with the therapy and weight loss, a few issues have come across my plate(see what I did there?). The first thing is my self image. If you ask any of my friends, I am cute. I of course think these people are INSANE. So them telling me over and over how much they loved me, how much they liked me,or how cute(adorable) I was fell on deaf ears.
It took me seeing it myself. I lie, it took a REALLY hot lesbian to drive it home.
See what had happen was(here she goes again) I have an awesome friend. Her name is Lor. Lor is possibly a superhero or saint and she just isn’t telling us weaker humans for fear that our tiny heads would explode. Anyway, a long time ago, Lor was dating Mari. And Mari, is a goddess. I mean, like cause guys to to drool and totally make fools of themselves type of woman. Let me put it to you this way:
She was the daydream I had of the “perfect woman” in high school that I said would never EVER exist in real life so therefore I was stuck with MEN. So! I found out she existed(yay!) but she lived in England(..yay?) and had a very very beautiful girlfriend(um..I’ll get back to you on that). So rightfully I thought to myself “No chance in hell”. And I was right.
But, BUT my fair folk…she thought me(yes me) was just so adorable she could eat me up(yes I did that on purpose). My boyfriend found out, and teased me(but he was all for it) about my obvious crush.
So it was like a kick in the back of the knees. I thought to myself “If she finds me attractive, maybe I should look at myself and see what I find beautiful about myself”. First day, I sat in my room with a notebook in my lap and just writing about what I liked about me. Which took forever. Day two, I looked in the mirror to really look at me. Not judge myself, not make a list of things that need to be covered up with makeup…but just look. I started bawling, quite hard actually. All I could think of was all the horrible things told me about myself. How I wouldn’t amount to anything, I was just good for a grope and a goodbye, or how I was the girl all guys only dated because no one would ever be serious about me, ever. And yes, those things I just said were said to me by people who supposedly had my best interests at heart.
So I started thinking about how what was said to me affected how I saw myself. And I found that I didn’t have any ideas on what I thought of myself. Everything that was said to me was just regurgitated into my brain by another person. I know I was supposed to go on and talk about how someone saved me, but the truth is..I saved myself. Yes Mari was the catalyst but I saw it through. Yes, focusing on me and building myself up is hard. I am so used to building up others and pining for someone to do the same for me that it becomes a battle of old vs. new. Do I get tired of having to be my own “best friend”? Yes, but this is how I see it. The girl I am now, she’s not forged in a crowd. She’s made in the shadows of the night when I am holding on to my penguin and weeping. She’s the woman who recites the people who love her as if they were prayers, because in a way they are.
She’s me,someone I can’t get away from.