Monthly Archives: June 2012

What the happy…crikey..crikey CRIKEY

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Alright. Hey folks.

So today was *interesting* and by interesting I mean makes me wish I could shove my head into a cheese grater or maybe bitch slap someone really hard who gets off on that type of stuff. I’m going to go from the current to the past to explain.

I have a buddy. Her name is Kate. She’s a PK like I am, but really awesome. Anyway, she writes in her blog(link after the rant. Just wait) about the juicy bits of what happens when you leave the fold. Well, she was on her twitter account today, and she got a message from Rick Warren. Yes. THAT Rick Warren. The message?

“I’m Sorry you hurt”

And instead of, I don’t know, engaging her in conversation, he wusses out by not adding her on his twitter. Here is why I said that: if someone messages you, but doesn’t have you on their twitter list, you can’t write them back. So his I’m sorry you hurt was not only a non-apology but one-sided. When it is done that way, it removes the possibility of confrontation. Of reconciliation. But instead he will see it as him *reaching someone for Christ* and pat himself on the back.

Oh yes Rick. That was SO Christ-like of you. Except, it isn’t one damned bit. I’ll use my buddy’s words to explain in more detail:

The thing is, I can’t even respond to this message because you can’t direct message people who aren’t following you. So, he’s not even engaging me. He’s just telling me that he pities me. I don’t need anyone’s pity. I’d rather him understand that I’m hurt by the types of toxic messages he spreads.

That person that you did a type by non-apology to? She has feelings. Of course she does. Everyone has feelings. Except in the mode and model of Animal Farm, Christians feelings are MORE human. And that shit hurts. It’s akin to taking a really hot poker, fresh from the fireplace, and poking us in badly healed wounds.

And my words are harsh, I know, I intend them to be that way. I want you and other ministers like you to think about who you affect. You don’t just affect yourself. You affect every single person out there when you don’t talk against the “Kill the Gays” ruling in Uganda. Same thing for when you tolerate anti-LGBT speech in your churches. In your homes. That snide comment about women? Just behind you is a church member who struggles with self image and was wanting to come to someone who she thought understood how it feels to be an outsider. But she heard you, and she’s leaving.

You can tell your flock that it was the devil luring her away, or you can be honest and say “I was being a colossal jerk”. Or you could continue to see yourself as the victim when folks point out your bad behavior, and the bad behavior of other believers. Or if they say “I used to be a Christian” you give such stunning ignorant comments such as “I’m sorry you hurt.”

On what planet does that work? Nowhere. Even my very very conservative mom would shake her head at you. But, as pointed out in a letter from another believer, it’s not my job or anyone else’s job to judge you. We are to wait for God or Jesus to do that job. Meanwhile, folks like me and Kate are having to pay out of pocket to get a good therapist to undo the damage that was done to us. And those are the lucky ones. Others, like my friend A, commit suicide. They just break.

And you think an I’m sorry you hurt will fix that? It doesn’t. It just makes us angrier. If it’s bad enough, we pull away. Yet, we are to say nothing because we should not “Touch mine anointed”. Which is why situations happen like this. And men, like YOU cowardly message my friend something, knowing she cannot respond.

It’s the safest way to look like a Christian. Staying in a bubble. Not allowing a legitimate dissenting opinion any room. Instead, you give empty tokens of an apology to the people you claim to care about the most. You make believers, the few out there, who are kind look like liars and manipulative bastards. And that’s a lot coming from me; as that when there are two or more believers around me I check my pockets.

So I know you’ll never read this entry. But I just want you to be aware of two things: 1) Using a bible to manipulate someone who knows it 10 times better than you= bad move. 2) If there happens to be a God and a Jesus, you will have to give an account for what you did on earth. But while you still breathe, you have to take responsibility for your life now. Because this life, right now, is not a read through. You don’t get a second chance to properly apologize. You don’t get a second chance to pull the stick out of your own ass instead of threatening me and others with a really hot place.

Because I’m Cajun. I’ve seen hell. It’s called Winn Dixie at the first of the month.

 

Folks. Thanks for reading my rant. Here is the link for my buddy’s page. GO READ IT NAO.

 

Who is the lamb? Who is the knife?

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So, I took the GRE. And I’m still waiting on my scores. Besides that, I’m trying not to cuss out believers again. It’s really hard when they start calling me a murderer or claim I eat fetuses.because that’s what all nonbelievers do.

So instead of cunt punching folks, I’ve taken two modes of action: posting their stupidity(yes I blur names) or make jewelry. So far, the latter is winning.

What also helps is that I talk to a tight knit group of ex-pk folks. We all have our religious baggage, so no one really pulls the “you didn’t try hard enough” bullshit. Because we really really tried. Hell, if my psychiatric bills point to anything…it’s that I tried too damn hard. But believers don’t want to admit we are out there. Because it blows their whole worldview out the water. If a person can love god so much and after so much time and effort, walk away, where does that leave them? If they weren’t dealing with some gross sin, or bitter, then who is really saved?

If they have legitimate concerns, do we have to listen? And then the fear sets in. will I catch their skepticism? Is this a phase? Are they sinning with their doubt?

And it hurts, because I question myself too. Is this the right choice? Is god really not real? Shit just happens?

As a former Charismatic, it’s hard not to slip into old modes of thinking. I have to constantly remind myself that no one “knows my sin” or is inside my head but me. To think of it, to see the damage, it breaks my heart. Because I inflicted this on myself and others. Just to please “god” and true believers. I wanted, no, craved that acceptance and love. I wanted that assurance that I’d be in heaven and that my broken life had redeeming value. I continually emptied myself because the church said I was just a vessel. That the self was sinful and not to be trusted. I cut myself in two, because I believed that I was sinful, awful, dirty. I was shit on god’s shoe. Nothing I’d do would be good enough.

So I subjected myself to abuse. The pain was my “will being broken” and god getting the glory. Whenever I’d think that I was going too far…I’d rebuke the devil and pray for hours.

By the time I got to where it felt like a literal fight for my soul, I started failing classes, having intrusive thoughts, and nervous tics. I was falling apart, and I did not know how to ask for help. So, I tried to kill myself. I thought that death would be a respite compared to the mental anguish I was facing. I wanted oblivion. I thought I’d be doing everyone a favor, especially my youth church. They got tired of my questioning, my doubt. So they gave me over to “Satan”. Because obviously I was in rebellion. That’s the only reason I could be so sad, twitchy, and not eating..right?

I received their judgement as rejection. And it got a whole lot worse before it got better. I still struggle with self-image/esteem and rejection, but on the flip, I stand up for myself more. I laugh more. I feel more. Yes it’s scary, but it’s a good scary. Therapy and medication are a freaking wonderful thing. That plus good friends has me where I am. I call myself strong now.

Sure I do what ifs, but life is worth living. Not over-guessing. I’m still learning, but I still have hope.

Thanks for staying with me folks,

Noir

Cool it Down

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So, I find myself looking at the life that is before me, and I’d like to say it is quite good. I’m getting ready to graduate(in one and a half months baby!) and I’m preparing for graduate/medical work. I’m excited. But, I still have worries.

 

So far, I am noticing around me that there is this willingness to forgo learning in order to appear or be more “child like” in the mind of God. Pardon my language, but what the fuck?! When did becoming a blathering moron instantly set you as better than someone who strives to better themselves intellectually?

Oh wait, I know.

I was in high school(when dinosaurs roamed the earth) when the “spirit-filled” movement took a hold in my town. Granted, I lived in Bossier City(yay military family!) so I was used to odd ideas, but this one was pretty pernicious. And the worst part? I was in the thick of it. I honestly thought that God trumped everything. To explain it in even more simple terms: Jesus plus nothing. It was pounded into our heads that our degrees were like dung, that we did not have to go to college or med school.

I was involved with a young man who I honestly believed God picked for me. In him being picked for me, I gave him the leadership role in my life since he was the “man”. I switched my major, I tamped down on various parts of my personality in order to fit this image of a Godly Wife. Because Jesus was coming back any second now…and we had to be pure! And what way to be completely pure than by removing yourself completely from the world and creating Christian versions of the worldy things you see? No need to deal with the pesky sinners! I was even planning, well daydreaming, of creating a housing district that would be for top earning Christians.

That was me at 17 years old. I’m 30 now, and it causes me grief to think how much damage I did at that time. Especially to myself. I denied large chunks of my being because I wanted to be PERFECT for Jesus. I denied the pain I felt, the fear I had, and the deep rolling rage that was just under the surface. Of course I gave it surface acknowledgement. Every Christian does that. But I didn’t OWN it. I didn’t say “this is my shadow”, because in spirit filled Christianity, your shadow is supposed to be dead, on the altar. And you are to kill it daily. If that doesn’t create a split within yourself, I don’t know what can.

So I walked around, half-dead, thinking I was really living. And now, I see it in amplified force, and I mourn for these folks. Because no pastor tells them that they are going to be passing over really awesome people for their “cause”. That they are alienating people who are kind, mean well, and don’t believe like you do.

It sets up this false dichotomy of what a good person is. And if you are on either side, you cannot win. The “good christian” either totally ignores how much of a dick they are, or they go my route and agonise over every screw-up. Fearing that they may lose God’s love/salvation/covering. And if that goes on long enough, you end up in a state of emergency that no prayer or scriptures can fix. And on the other side, you have people like my friend E, who is the sweetest person ever, but because he’s pagan….folks will instantly push him down on the “good person” list. Despite the fact he is more honorable than most folks I know. He isn’t treated like a real person, an equal. He’s treated like a less than, a servant of Satan who, through their good deeds, will lead you straight to hell.

And that is the mindset I had to deal with, and still as a non-religious person have to work on. Because it’s like herpes zoster. Once it infects you, it rarely can be comepletely cleared out. Any extreme stress or pain can kick it up. And you end up with oozing sores of self-resentment and shallow pride. Or it gets infected, which then leaves you needed to be exposed to the truth. After cutting that infection out, natrually. And you end up feeling less than, because a chunk of you is missing. Or so you think. You wander around feeling  hollow or pitted, just wanting some type of relief.

At this point, you can either give up or jump back into the bullshit pond of blood. Or, you talk to those who have gone before you and they talk to you. Like a real person. Not someone with a contagion. This is true fellowship(to borrow a word). You can start over, and really look at your life. If you’re being a dick, you stop being one because it’s wrong. Not because of the punishment of hell. You are kind because it is the right thing to do. You begin to trust your decision- making more, which is scary but exhilarating. Yes, there are moments where you will miss your church, mosque, or what have you. But right now is detox. And you need to know what is right for YOU. And own up to every consequence that comes your way.

I know what I am saying sounds really harsh, but to be honest, it must be said. It must be done. Because whether you choose to live as a non-religious person or a religious person, your actions define your present and your future. I don’t mean the afterlife either. I mean the freaking here and now.

And if groups such as Concerned Women for America focused on THAT instead of their own twisted version of “ministry” to shame folks into heaven, maybe we’d have heaven on earth. Or at least a really good time.

 

Thanks guys,

Eggs