Monthly Archives: August 2012

Running up that hill


So, I am finished with college. As of Monday at noon I am a college graduate(woo!). I didn’t think I’d say this, but I miss being in college already(grad school? yes.)


But I do not miss the insanity that I had to wade through with classmates. Because it’s followed me on facebook.

And I haven’t realized it until today, but I have been holding a lot of anger inside of me. I can honestly say it is automatic because I don’t notice it until I say something snippy or I am losing sleep.


I find myself desiring the ability to be blind, deaf, and dumb. But alas, it is not so. So I’ll just wring my heart out on here.

I’ve been wondering lately what the hell has possessed Republicans, and in a larger part most evangelical Christians. There is, yet again, a need or craving to force others into their world view. It can be something small as a girl bombarding her Facebook page with constant pro-life rants or something huge like Mr. Akin’s comment that abortion should not be allowed even in cases of rape because a woman’s body can reject the rapist’s sperm.

Erm, a word. Any person with a small amount of research will realize that a woman’s body is not that fantastical as to have an instant abort button when it comes to being raped. If that was the case, there would be many many women who would be child-free. There would be many kids that would be child-free also.

To me, it is as if people who think all abortions are bad would rather a kid go through a life of hell because the mom sees the face of her rapist/molestor and cannot do anything but hate said progeny. Because at least the child is alive, am I right?

And it doesn’t hit on that at all. Instead I am told that if I am raped that I either had it coming, should turn my rape into lemonade, or shut my mouth. I don’t like any of those choices. Especially since I didn’t pick them. I’d like to at least be able to speak on my own behalf in such cases. Because it would be me who carries the child, who may or may not die in childbirth, and who may or may not want to keep them. Am I to squash any revulsion I feel to my rapist’s kid growing in me? Am I to knit and just sing hymns until I am ripped open like a blood orange?

Because obviously I asked for it, since I have a vagina.

And no, I didn’t ask for it. What happened to the lessons we learned as kids, especially in the case of “Keep your hands to yourself.”? It is something that was told to me a lot.

And it makes me stabby that there are people who think that they have access to my body because I wear a low cut shirt. Here is a hint: no, you don’t have access. You may see it, but no touchy.
Heck, that argument is why I dress conservatively, because I don’t want to give anyone an entry point. And that’s messed up to say, but as a survivor of Child and Adult Sexual Abuse, I try to put up what walls I can so that I can be safe. And the sad thing? I don’t feel any safer.

Instead, I feel raw and exposed like I did on the night I tried to tell my mom that a fellow cell leader tried to rape me. She said it was my own damn fault because I was alone with him. I must have done something. I was wearing onsie pj’s and watching toonami. If that is not the dorkiest thing I do not know what is. I trusted him. I assumed that he was my brother in christ, emphasis on BROTHER, and that he would only have good towards me and not ill.

I cried after hearing her say that. I wanted a believer, any believer to negate the feeling that it was my fault. I wanted to have someone tell me that I wasn’t being a temptress just by having boobs. I needed to hear that.

I still do, honestly. Because I have had people pass judgement on me just for being female. Doubly so when you throw in black. Apparently black women are not child abuse survivors. We do not have to fight against being dominated sexually by men with more issues than Playboy. We are to keep our mouths shut, because we would send more black brothers to jail.

That’s some bull. And same thing in the Christian arena. That’s wrong, and forces the victim to make herself look as pitiful as possible in order to be believed by anyone. She is instead discredited and told she must have wanted it.

Because yes, I lie awake thinking to myself how I’d love for someone to try and knock me out cold and have their way with my body. Actually I don’t. I withdraw. I’m on medication for PTSD because apparently I waited too long to get help and I’m just a bundle of nerves.

And I tried prayer. I prayed and prayed for God to turn my ashes into something pretty. And it never got better. Instead, it just hurt a lot. I had to hold it in and only emote joy and happiness because anger was a sin. Feeling helpless was a sin also. It was as if in order to be appreciated in the church I needed to cut off my emotions, thank whoever paid attention to me, and not cause any waves. Because I’m just a woman. And the woman was deceived first, hence why I should just take any unwanted sexual offerings and just close my eyes. I could marry him if I guiled him enough. Because being strong is sinful, but manipulation is a’ok.

I should be allowed to cry for revenge if someone violates me. I should be able to turn to the law without fear. I shouldn’t hate being a female because there are people who think the natural use of my body is for pregnancy only and therefore I should be pregnant right now. I must have the ability to strike out against my accusers and not be told to keep quiet.

There shouldn’t be a rule for me and a totally different rule for a man. I should not be seen as less than because of my biological makeup! But yet I am.

I am told to not be so angry, to not let rage mottle my brow, or to not be so sensitive. Despite the fact that I should be allowed to control myself and they should control themselves and not me.

I’m tired of living for two. I should not bear responsibility for what a rapist did to me. I should not bear the responsibility of the spiritual abuse that was done to me. I should only have to be responsible with how I live my own life after such clusterf*%#%#^. I should not have to carry the world on my shoulders because some entitled idiot is lazy.

Control your loins. Don’t rape. Then I won’t have to spray you with mace.