Monthly Archives: October 2012

Death be not proud

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My beloved’s father died. It still hurts, to be honest. He was hilarious. He was smart. Was he an ass? At times, yes. But he was human.

I’m not used to his absence. I’ve tried to intellectualize it…but it sucks.

Yes he had cancer, but he beat it twice.

So he won’t be here when I become his daughter in law. Well, technically I was…because that’s how he saw it.

I wanted to learn more from him, but life isn’t fair.

The irony? We were able to say goodbye…but it wasn’t enough.

We love you poppy.

-eggs-

Rage

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one thing I wish that was touched on in religious settings is the correct way to deal with anger, or his older sibling Rage. At the churches I attended, rage was seen as something you had to be set free from, not something you must deal with in a healthy manner.

This is something that is wonderfully humane. A reminder that we have emotions. In the realm of anger, there is usually a reason why someone is angry. A pretty legitimate reason. But in church, anger in a human is usually seen as wrong unless it is something god hates. Which keeps shifting. As a result, a person who means well may do their best to keep their anger inside. They want to be a good Christian. So they hold it in, hold it in, and hold it in. Next thing you know, that person snaps at someone for giving them cold bread.

When the truth of the matter is that the bread isn’t a problem, it’s the unresolved issues eating away at you.

You talk to a minister, and they suggest prayer. Same thing the cell leader said. Because no one wants to be in the foxhole with you. They just want to pray once and it be done forever. So they take part of the glory…but none of the work.

They want the testimony but not the test.

And that is bunk. Life is messy. Horrible things happen, and it’s not the will of none but the abuser. They create excuses, gaslight, and push their will into the will of the universe. Saying the horrible thing that happened was god’s will. Which leads to the thought that god allowed it to happen..why. Just why.

So you try to find meaning in the abuse. But there’s no meaning. Only pain and an empty stomach bloated with lies. So you become angry. Or in my case, holding in rage. Which is sinful.

So you feel guilty about the sin of rage and try to never be angry again. But you fail.

Then you end up turning all that rage inward. Because you are convinced that you are the problem. Years of this happening either has you in a church, therapist’s office, morgue, or bar. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that the worst is over. So you close yourself off. Which only leaves more pain IN.

So you’re at a crossroads: either face that anger and work with it or hide it. I’m facing my anger, and it’s scary. Because I’m very angry. I feel diminished by the years that I’ve neglected to take care of myself. Hollow from the stubborn refusal to admit my not so happy Funtime feelings. I’ve cut off the darker part of me to be more pure…to have more light within me. But light cannot exist without dark. And ignoring part of me places me like a 3 legged chair, which is broken.

I desire revenge upon my abuses and rejectors. I desire them to admit that they did what they did to only cover their own hides. Not out of love. But it won’t happen because they refuse to deal.

So all I can do, what only you can do…is to be mad. Tell yourself it’s okay to be mad. Be angry. Focus it into something positive. Say that what happened did happen.

Deal with it. Tell loved ones. Find out what you need to do to heal.

But don’t ever hold it in. Admit that it is there! Because what you do not admit can have power over you.

And don’t let some moron in a hat tell you what is right for you. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to scream, do it.

Because only you know how much it hurts. People can only sympathize.

And if you need to rest, rest. Please take care of you. Place your health first.

Say no to guilt concerning being angry. Say no to guilt in cutting off abusive relationships.

You have only one life.

So get to work.