Category Archives: Religion

As Austin goes, so does the United States

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Lilith help me, things have been going insane in Texas. So far it has been a nonstop ride on the exploitation express. People who one would assume care about their fellow man have begun to show the darkness within their own souls.

I’ll start at the beginning. As everyone remembers, the Supreme Court has decided that places like Texas no longer need to be supervised when voting comes around. Because there hasn’t been enough voter fraud..I am assuming. *eyeroll*. So, right after that ruling, my new home state is wanting us all to have voter IDs. I’m sorry, but I have a photo id of me given to me by the state. It’s my freaking driver’s permit. I’m not going to morph into an elderly white man or Asian woman any time soon.

I understand the fear of voter fraud, but here is the thing:

Voter fraud did not happen in 2012. There is a lengthy post on this at talking points memo.

But think about it. It is a pretty sad thing to commit fraud just so “your” guy can win. If your person is worth their salt, then let them run on their merits instead of underhanded tricks and lies. I’m not saying this as a starry eyed liberal. I am saying this as a person who deeply believes that a person who is the right fit for the job doesn’t just look *cute* or *handsome*. They have morals that ALL Americans can agree to. Not just some lunatic fringe. But sadly, it seems that the fringe is getting more mainstream.

The second item that has me face palming is the ham-handed attempt of the GOP in Texas to push a bill that would make abortion after 20 weeks illegal and push unnecessary codes on abortion providers so that they would basically be mini-hospitals. That would wipe out a large number of clinics, leaving only 5 that would meet up to *code*.

First, I have a problem with a bill that needs to be passed in the middle of the night and when it isn’t passed…the other side forges a document saying it *did*.

Secondly, I am not a fan of the cut off at 20 weeks. Why do I have a problem with the 20 week limit? It is because diseases such as anencephaly and Trisomy 18 aren’t “seen” until after 20 weeks or even later. Let me explain what anencephaly is exactly. Anencephaly is a neural tube defect which causes large parts of the brain to be missing. The prognosis is very poor, as that those who have it either die in the womb or die hours after birth. And the death is not quick. In Trisomy 18, there is a double chromosome pair in the sector 18(yes I just used a nerd term to describe the 18th pair. I’m sorry). Trisomy 18 is also called Edwards syndrome after the guy who discovered the disease. In Trisomy 18, the viability of the fetus is quite low, with a large number of them dying before birth. Again, those born often die quite quite early from heart issues, breathing difficulties, etc. Something that sorta scares me is that the possibility for this illness only goes up the older the mother

“But Eggs,” I can hear, “Abortions stemming from either the fetus’ or mother’s health is rare!”. It is rare….when you look at the percentage of who is getting abortions. It’s a measly 2-3 percent when you are looking at a group of about 103 thousand. Wait..that is actually about 2,060. Throw in the fact that the fetus/baby was quite wanted, and you can understand my horror of the 20 week cut off point. The idea of forcing a woman to carry a nonviable pregnancy to term is not only cruel, but inhumane. It is akin to shooting me in the womb and denying me medical attention.

My third problem with the 20 week cut off is life itself. What I mean is that in the case of a woman obtaining an abortion; she is having to literally take time off from a job and or childbearing. She will have to put money aside for child care and medication after the procedure. Combine that with the cost of a typical 21 week procedure, and you end up needing financial help even if you are well off. If your insurance covers it, then you have a large co-pay because the clinic may be out of network.

What if the doctor ends up ill? Then you have to reschedule and meet with another doctor. Next thing you know, you are at 22..then 23 weeks. Possibly even further along if you are a teenager. Speaking of being a teenager, if you have parents who are against your decision, then you have to obtain a judicial bypass. That takes time too.

And I can hear another but coming on. It says “But they just weren’t paying attention and probably didn’t want the abortion in the first place!” or ” If they didn’t want to get pregnant they should have just kept their legs closed or used birth control.”

I have bad news for you, but not everyone uses birth control perfectly. In cases that you do use it perfectly, there is still a slim chance of pregnancy. And in other cases, there just isn’t a possibility for birth control in the first place. The woman may live in a rural area that doesn’t have a Planned Parenthood or legit family planning center. She may be in an abusive relationship with a man who rapes her or beats her if she asks for him to use condoms.

She might be a woman who doesn’t have enough money to buy birth control monthly due to being laid off, on disability, etc. She even might be a woman who was diagnosed as infertile and decided that because of xyz she didn’t need birth control(because she couldn’t have kids). She might be a woman who is in a monogamous relationship but has health issues which require different and more expensive birth control.

These are good woman. Hard-working, family having women. But for one reason or another, they are requiring a later-term abortion. It’s not glamorous. It is not beautiful. But it is necessary. If there was a way for them to not chose abortion, oh they would have found it.

But no one really thinks about the time, money, and energy that is required in making that choice. There is also the feeling of shame because our society calls women who have abortions things like ‘murderers’, ‘sluts’, and ‘freeloaders’. It is easy to call them that because once you dehumanize a person, it is easy to dismiss them. You can do whatever you want to them and keep your conscience clear. You can call me a murderer, and feel fully justified to cause harm to me or my family because of a deeply personal choice that I’ve made. No, I and the women of Texas are to be incubators for the state! We are to find a way to pay lots of money to take care of our children. If you have another, then it is your duty to take care of them with no help from the state.

And that is the sticking point right there. This bill isn’t about woman’s health at all. It is a way and manner of controlling her womb. If you can tell a woman that her abortion is a matter of the state, how much do you want to bet that women will find illegal ways to obtain one? And they don’t care about that. They think of it as a consequence of an illicit lifestyle. So this is more of a moral thing. Of adding more consequences to sex, because sex that isn’t for procreation is very bad. Because the bible/Jesus/Kronos. And the female is a wily creature that will trick you into knocking her up only to murder your young(cue hysteria).

This insanity is enough to make my head spin. I think, personally, that abortion is a private subject. It is something that a woman should discuss with her doctor, partner, and deity(if she has one). She should not be shamed or branded. And we as a society should not feed on that shame.

And if one doesn’t like abortion, then just don’t get one. It is that simple.

Heck, if you are pro-life and want to lower the number of abortions without slut shaming or other harmful tactics(I’m looking at you Texas GOP), then work for comprehensive sex education. Don’t leave tweens-adults in the freaking dark. No really. We have adults who don’t know the parts of their genitalia. Teach about birth control methods, safe relationships, boundaries, etc so that when a girl does have sex she doesn’t get burned. Lobby for birth control to be low priced or free. I’m serious. There are countries that have birth control at a cheaper rate than us and have lower instances of abortion.Have paid maternity leave. Put safety nets in place to help needy families with children. Don’t lobby for them to be removed. Because if you push against the aforementioned things, you are not pro-life. You are pro-forced birth. Nothing more, nothing less.

I sound harsh, because at this time it feels like the lunatics are running the insane asylum. Mostly because people who have very strong feelings want to force their idea of what being moral is. And that is a problem because these morals can kill. It sounds hyperbolic, but the bill, when taken to its logical point does in fact end with death. It could be from illegal abortions to a mother dying from a molar pregnancy. Either way, it ends with death of a woman.

Not cool, Texas.

Rage

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one thing I wish that was touched on in religious settings is the correct way to deal with anger, or his older sibling Rage. At the churches I attended, rage was seen as something you had to be set free from, not something you must deal with in a healthy manner.

This is something that is wonderfully humane. A reminder that we have emotions. In the realm of anger, there is usually a reason why someone is angry. A pretty legitimate reason. But in church, anger in a human is usually seen as wrong unless it is something god hates. Which keeps shifting. As a result, a person who means well may do their best to keep their anger inside. They want to be a good Christian. So they hold it in, hold it in, and hold it in. Next thing you know, that person snaps at someone for giving them cold bread.

When the truth of the matter is that the bread isn’t a problem, it’s the unresolved issues eating away at you.

You talk to a minister, and they suggest prayer. Same thing the cell leader said. Because no one wants to be in the foxhole with you. They just want to pray once and it be done forever. So they take part of the glory…but none of the work.

They want the testimony but not the test.

And that is bunk. Life is messy. Horrible things happen, and it’s not the will of none but the abuser. They create excuses, gaslight, and push their will into the will of the universe. Saying the horrible thing that happened was god’s will. Which leads to the thought that god allowed it to happen..why. Just why.

So you try to find meaning in the abuse. But there’s no meaning. Only pain and an empty stomach bloated with lies. So you become angry. Or in my case, holding in rage. Which is sinful.

So you feel guilty about the sin of rage and try to never be angry again. But you fail.

Then you end up turning all that rage inward. Because you are convinced that you are the problem. Years of this happening either has you in a church, therapist’s office, morgue, or bar. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that the worst is over. So you close yourself off. Which only leaves more pain IN.

So you’re at a crossroads: either face that anger and work with it or hide it. I’m facing my anger, and it’s scary. Because I’m very angry. I feel diminished by the years that I’ve neglected to take care of myself. Hollow from the stubborn refusal to admit my not so happy Funtime feelings. I’ve cut off the darker part of me to be more pure…to have more light within me. But light cannot exist without dark. And ignoring part of me places me like a 3 legged chair, which is broken.

I desire revenge upon my abuses and rejectors. I desire them to admit that they did what they did to only cover their own hides. Not out of love. But it won’t happen because they refuse to deal.

So all I can do, what only you can do…is to be mad. Tell yourself it’s okay to be mad. Be angry. Focus it into something positive. Say that what happened did happen.

Deal with it. Tell loved ones. Find out what you need to do to heal.

But don’t ever hold it in. Admit that it is there! Because what you do not admit can have power over you.

And don’t let some moron in a hat tell you what is right for you. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to scream, do it.

Because only you know how much it hurts. People can only sympathize.

And if you need to rest, rest. Please take care of you. Place your health first.

Say no to guilt concerning being angry. Say no to guilt in cutting off abusive relationships.

You have only one life.

So get to work.

So Xanax DOES NOT cure everything? Damn.

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I am not a fan of bigotry, yet I fully admit that I have my own biases. As woman of African-American descent(what does that even mean anymore…)I often assume that I must “prove” myself more than some of my lighter skinned comrades.

And in some cases, I’m totally correct in that assessment. Yet, there are times I become hypersensitive and miss an opportunity to really connect with someone. I use the term hypersensitive in the idea that I’m putting words in someone’s mouth (or brain). It is a defense mechanism that I’ve had since childhood. Growing up in Louisiana, it was rare that a child of color unabashedly spoke of their love of learning. If there was such a child, they were treated as an anomaly, or worse, bullied. I can still remember the taunts and conversations I had to deal with growing up:

Why do you act so white?

You’re not really black are you?

Black people aren’t supposed to like that.

Black people don’t _____________

And that was just from my black classmates. My white classmates looked at me with a sense of confusion, amusement, or fear. Those who were confused by me usually *got it* by the time they actually talked to me. I’m still friends with some of them currently. Same thing with those I amused. Because I tended to just say the oddest things(my brain works differently…yay add!). I am still friends with them also (Hi Kyle! Hi Travis!).

Those that feared me did the same thing that my black classmates would do, but with a twist. Some would assume making coon jokes was a great idea. The N word was used at times. At a fair with my cousins, some man who was at least three times our age kept taunting us. It took my cousin Danielle to help me out in that situation.

 

In all those situations it became very clear to me that I was *different*. To the black classmates, I was some stuck up broad who needed frequent beat downs to be kept in line. To the white classmates, I was a subhuman weirdo.

Because their parents said so.

Children tend to soak in a lot more than we think they do, which should be obvious. If a child hears degrading remarks about who they are, then they will naturally assume everyone is screwed up just like them or better than them. This fosters a feeling of helplessness and rage. If a child is in a chaotic home, continually hearing how minorities are the enemy then why are people surprised when they grow up and join a terrorist group like the klan or nation of islam?

If an adult has free license to say every hateful thing they think or have heard in front of a child, then why is surprise often the first response? If you tell a child that gay people are an abomination, muslims aren’t real Americans, and that minorities came from eve banging random animals do not be alarmed that they treat others with disrespect. You should expect it, to be honest. Because what you keep at the forefront in a child’s mind or model with your behavior is what you are going to end up with.

I know many are wondering why I am saying such strong words. It is because it needs to be said.

The rash of suicides, homicides, and hate group activity is not because of a lack of God.  These actions occur from the cognitive dissonance many who claim to be good Christian people have. You say that you love God, yet you tell your child that if they marry outside their race or the same sex that you will cut them off. Or worse murder them.

You tell your child that they are Nothing and will never be anything. You beat them, use them for your twisted desires, and break their spirit. All because you do not have the internal fortitude to deal with your demons.

You complain loudly about a monkey being in the white house and call our Muslim brothers and sisters ‘towelheads’.

You come off with this façade of superiority, only to cover your cowardice and emptiness. You join with others who are just as damaged as you, and say that you are richer.

It’s a never ending cycle folks. I rarely quote the bible, but it says that you should train a child in the way THEY should go. This gives the idea that the child might be ‘bent’ in a direction and you are to love, foster, and aid that child to be the best they can be. You are not to shove your dogma, bigotry, and desire for the elimination of all different people/things into them. To do so is to damage them, which then leads to a damaged adult who does some very screwed up things.

So, on this 9/11 we need to remember that for the most part, we can change the world. It’s as simple as volunteering in a poor area or teaching your kids to respect and love others. I do not say tolerate, because one should only tolerate broccoli or badly done fish, not people.

 

 

Angry

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I really don’t get it.

Why are people so willing to screw over themselves just to make sure that someone else doesn’t get what they have?

Examples:

Politics: look dems and repubs…. Work together or it’s going to get worse. Shut up, grow a pair, and WORK TOGETHER

– insurance. Really. I’m not going to get a free voucher for an abortion. I’ll just be able to get real insurance without being price gouged.

– same sex marriage. Seriously. Two adults who love each other. Why not? And don’t give me the it’s a sin. What’s really the sin is the fact that it’s 2012 and lgbt folks are thought of as walking demon factories.

– comprehensive sex Ed. Look,kids are going to have sex. And lying to them won’t help.ifyou really want to keep them celibate, give them a 4 year paid account for WOW. Or EVE.

– taxes. You live in a country that has them. Granted, my mom pays more than Mittens Romney, but unless the super rich pay their share….it’s how it will stay.

-Muslims. They freaking exist. Most are awesome. Some are not. Like Christians.

Really….we need to grow up

Who is the lamb? Who is the knife?

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So, I took the GRE. And I’m still waiting on my scores. Besides that, I’m trying not to cuss out believers again. It’s really hard when they start calling me a murderer or claim I eat fetuses.because that’s what all nonbelievers do.

So instead of cunt punching folks, I’ve taken two modes of action: posting their stupidity(yes I blur names) or make jewelry. So far, the latter is winning.

What also helps is that I talk to a tight knit group of ex-pk folks. We all have our religious baggage, so no one really pulls the “you didn’t try hard enough” bullshit. Because we really really tried. Hell, if my psychiatric bills point to anything…it’s that I tried too damn hard. But believers don’t want to admit we are out there. Because it blows their whole worldview out the water. If a person can love god so much and after so much time and effort, walk away, where does that leave them? If they weren’t dealing with some gross sin, or bitter, then who is really saved?

If they have legitimate concerns, do we have to listen? And then the fear sets in. will I catch their skepticism? Is this a phase? Are they sinning with their doubt?

And it hurts, because I question myself too. Is this the right choice? Is god really not real? Shit just happens?

As a former Charismatic, it’s hard not to slip into old modes of thinking. I have to constantly remind myself that no one “knows my sin” or is inside my head but me. To think of it, to see the damage, it breaks my heart. Because I inflicted this on myself and others. Just to please “god” and true believers. I wanted, no, craved that acceptance and love. I wanted that assurance that I’d be in heaven and that my broken life had redeeming value. I continually emptied myself because the church said I was just a vessel. That the self was sinful and not to be trusted. I cut myself in two, because I believed that I was sinful, awful, dirty. I was shit on god’s shoe. Nothing I’d do would be good enough.

So I subjected myself to abuse. The pain was my “will being broken” and god getting the glory. Whenever I’d think that I was going too far…I’d rebuke the devil and pray for hours.

By the time I got to where it felt like a literal fight for my soul, I started failing classes, having intrusive thoughts, and nervous tics. I was falling apart, and I did not know how to ask for help. So, I tried to kill myself. I thought that death would be a respite compared to the mental anguish I was facing. I wanted oblivion. I thought I’d be doing everyone a favor, especially my youth church. They got tired of my questioning, my doubt. So they gave me over to “Satan”. Because obviously I was in rebellion. That’s the only reason I could be so sad, twitchy, and not eating..right?

I received their judgement as rejection. And it got a whole lot worse before it got better. I still struggle with self-image/esteem and rejection, but on the flip, I stand up for myself more. I laugh more. I feel more. Yes it’s scary, but it’s a good scary. Therapy and medication are a freaking wonderful thing. That plus good friends has me where I am. I call myself strong now.

Sure I do what ifs, but life is worth living. Not over-guessing. I’m still learning, but I still have hope.

Thanks for staying with me folks,

Noir

Took you long enough

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It’s Tuesday here, and I often wonder wtf is wrong with people.

Since the last time I typed on here; people have become even more Derpy. And not the cute My Little Pony kind either.

Basically, a vocal majority of black ministers are freaking out because Obama said that marriage is a love thing. Not a *bits* thing.

It took him long enough, but he’s right.

Here’s hoping more people will “evolve”!

I wonder

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It’s Samhain, or as we American folks call it, Halloween. I’ve been listening to various artists. One artist in particular I come back to: jennifer knapp.

She’s a Christian artist who was really big in the 90’s, and ended up disappearing out of nowhere. We find later that she left and moved to Australia. If you said wtf, then join the group.

Anyway, she met a nice girl, and decided to come out of the closet. I of course “knew” it(more like wishing really hard) and was all yay for her.

Well, her very fundy fans were NOT happy. Apparently being a lesbian and Christian doesn’t work.

A thought, just a thought:

What if it’s none of your business folks?! She’s in love, isn’t being beat to death, and is being honest to herself and her God.

I mean, if a fundy’s god is that small minded, then something is VERY wrong. I won’t take “you don’t know god’s ways”. That is a cop out and you know it. If he created her, then maybe, just maybe he knows.

Or maybe the idea of sexuality being something you can’t really box scares these folks.
It scared me, a lot. I was taught that my sexuality was not for ME. It was for the man I’d marry or convince myself that he loved me. I was a person that sexual acts were to be done TO, not to initiate. The shame that’s packed into a survivor’s body is enough to light a town. Couple that with the mixed signals one gets in youth church or at single’s conferences and you get a person who feels more like an object that a vibrant person.

And I feel, that it’s what they want us to feel like. It’s easier to debase yourself like a dog when you are told that your container…your body is dirty. It’s easier to depersonalize yourself when the emphasis in on the next life. This one is garbage!

And now, I look at Jennifer Knapp and wonder how she functions. What I mentioned is my own life, and I have to remind myself to breathe at times. I was so used to being an object, so very used to thinking my very normal desires were more kinky than age play…that the mere idea of someone desiring me sickened me.

I wanted intimacy, yet was poisoned against it. I was told to fear the male gaze. To assume that only teh PERFACT man of gawd could love and accept this broken effed up woman…made me my own enemy.

I feel angry, sorrowful, and retarded. I mean it in the fullest since of the word. I am a woman who was in arrested development for many years, and am only now trying to play catch up.

My innocence was stolen twice: first by my molesters, then by the very people I entrusted with my soul. I feel shipwrecked. And yet I can hear my mother’s own voice blaming me. Saying she warned me and that I deserved it.

I wonder if other refugees from fundamentalism feel this way. Just disjointed and envious of those who didn’t go through Jesus camp like training? Or do they never crack?

I wonder