Tag Archives: religion

So Xanax DOES NOT cure everything? Damn.

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I am not a fan of bigotry, yet I fully admit that I have my own biases. As woman of African-American descent(what does that even mean anymore…)I often assume that I must “prove” myself more than some of my lighter skinned comrades.

And in some cases, I’m totally correct in that assessment. Yet, there are times I become hypersensitive and miss an opportunity to really connect with someone. I use the term hypersensitive in the idea that I’m putting words in someone’s mouth (or brain). It is a defense mechanism that I’ve had since childhood. Growing up in Louisiana, it was rare that a child of color unabashedly spoke of their love of learning. If there was such a child, they were treated as an anomaly, or worse, bullied. I can still remember the taunts and conversations I had to deal with growing up:

Why do you act so white?

You’re not really black are you?

Black people aren’t supposed to like that.

Black people don’t _____________

And that was just from my black classmates. My white classmates looked at me with a sense of confusion, amusement, or fear. Those who were confused by me usually *got it* by the time they actually talked to me. I’m still friends with some of them currently. Same thing with those I amused. Because I tended to just say the oddest things(my brain works differently…yay add!). I am still friends with them also (Hi Kyle! Hi Travis!).

Those that feared me did the same thing that my black classmates would do, but with a twist. Some would assume making coon jokes was a great idea. The N word was used at times. At a fair with my cousins, some man who was at least three times our age kept taunting us. It took my cousin Danielle to help me out in that situation.

 

In all those situations it became very clear to me that I was *different*. To the black classmates, I was some stuck up broad who needed frequent beat downs to be kept in line. To the white classmates, I was a subhuman weirdo.

Because their parents said so.

Children tend to soak in a lot more than we think they do, which should be obvious. If a child hears degrading remarks about who they are, then they will naturally assume everyone is screwed up just like them or better than them. This fosters a feeling of helplessness and rage. If a child is in a chaotic home, continually hearing how minorities are the enemy then why are people surprised when they grow up and join a terrorist group like the klan or nation of islam?

If an adult has free license to say every hateful thing they think or have heard in front of a child, then why is surprise often the first response? If you tell a child that gay people are an abomination, muslims aren’t real Americans, and that minorities came from eve banging random animals do not be alarmed that they treat others with disrespect. You should expect it, to be honest. Because what you keep at the forefront in a child’s mind or model with your behavior is what you are going to end up with.

I know many are wondering why I am saying such strong words. It is because it needs to be said.

The rash of suicides, homicides, and hate group activity is not because of a lack of God.  These actions occur from the cognitive dissonance many who claim to be good Christian people have. You say that you love God, yet you tell your child that if they marry outside their race or the same sex that you will cut them off. Or worse murder them.

You tell your child that they are Nothing and will never be anything. You beat them, use them for your twisted desires, and break their spirit. All because you do not have the internal fortitude to deal with your demons.

You complain loudly about a monkey being in the white house and call our Muslim brothers and sisters ‘towelheads’.

You come off with this façade of superiority, only to cover your cowardice and emptiness. You join with others who are just as damaged as you, and say that you are richer.

It’s a never ending cycle folks. I rarely quote the bible, but it says that you should train a child in the way THEY should go. This gives the idea that the child might be ‘bent’ in a direction and you are to love, foster, and aid that child to be the best they can be. You are not to shove your dogma, bigotry, and desire for the elimination of all different people/things into them. To do so is to damage them, which then leads to a damaged adult who does some very screwed up things.

So, on this 9/11 we need to remember that for the most part, we can change the world. It’s as simple as volunteering in a poor area or teaching your kids to respect and love others. I do not say tolerate, because one should only tolerate broccoli or badly done fish, not people.

 

 

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Cool it Down

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So, I find myself looking at the life that is before me, and I’d like to say it is quite good. I’m getting ready to graduate(in one and a half months baby!) and I’m preparing for graduate/medical work. I’m excited. But, I still have worries.

 

So far, I am noticing around me that there is this willingness to forgo learning in order to appear or be more “child like” in the mind of God. Pardon my language, but what the fuck?! When did becoming a blathering moron instantly set you as better than someone who strives to better themselves intellectually?

Oh wait, I know.

I was in high school(when dinosaurs roamed the earth) when the “spirit-filled” movement took a hold in my town. Granted, I lived in Bossier City(yay military family!) so I was used to odd ideas, but this one was pretty pernicious. And the worst part? I was in the thick of it. I honestly thought that God trumped everything. To explain it in even more simple terms: Jesus plus nothing. It was pounded into our heads that our degrees were like dung, that we did not have to go to college or med school.

I was involved with a young man who I honestly believed God picked for me. In him being picked for me, I gave him the leadership role in my life since he was the “man”. I switched my major, I tamped down on various parts of my personality in order to fit this image of a Godly Wife. Because Jesus was coming back any second now…and we had to be pure! And what way to be completely pure than by removing yourself completely from the world and creating Christian versions of the worldy things you see? No need to deal with the pesky sinners! I was even planning, well daydreaming, of creating a housing district that would be for top earning Christians.

That was me at 17 years old. I’m 30 now, and it causes me grief to think how much damage I did at that time. Especially to myself. I denied large chunks of my being because I wanted to be PERFECT for Jesus. I denied the pain I felt, the fear I had, and the deep rolling rage that was just under the surface. Of course I gave it surface acknowledgement. Every Christian does that. But I didn’t OWN it. I didn’t say “this is my shadow”, because in spirit filled Christianity, your shadow is supposed to be dead, on the altar. And you are to kill it daily. If that doesn’t create a split within yourself, I don’t know what can.

So I walked around, half-dead, thinking I was really living. And now, I see it in amplified force, and I mourn for these folks. Because no pastor tells them that they are going to be passing over really awesome people for their “cause”. That they are alienating people who are kind, mean well, and don’t believe like you do.

It sets up this false dichotomy of what a good person is. And if you are on either side, you cannot win. The “good christian” either totally ignores how much of a dick they are, or they go my route and agonise over every screw-up. Fearing that they may lose God’s love/salvation/covering. And if that goes on long enough, you end up in a state of emergency that no prayer or scriptures can fix. And on the other side, you have people like my friend E, who is the sweetest person ever, but because he’s pagan….folks will instantly push him down on the “good person” list. Despite the fact he is more honorable than most folks I know. He isn’t treated like a real person, an equal. He’s treated like a less than, a servant of Satan who, through their good deeds, will lead you straight to hell.

And that is the mindset I had to deal with, and still as a non-religious person have to work on. Because it’s like herpes zoster. Once it infects you, it rarely can be comepletely cleared out. Any extreme stress or pain can kick it up. And you end up with oozing sores of self-resentment and shallow pride. Or it gets infected, which then leaves you needed to be exposed to the truth. After cutting that infection out, natrually. And you end up feeling less than, because a chunk of you is missing. Or so you think. You wander around feeling  hollow or pitted, just wanting some type of relief.

At this point, you can either give up or jump back into the bullshit pond of blood. Or, you talk to those who have gone before you and they talk to you. Like a real person. Not someone with a contagion. This is true fellowship(to borrow a word). You can start over, and really look at your life. If you’re being a dick, you stop being one because it’s wrong. Not because of the punishment of hell. You are kind because it is the right thing to do. You begin to trust your decision- making more, which is scary but exhilarating. Yes, there are moments where you will miss your church, mosque, or what have you. But right now is detox. And you need to know what is right for YOU. And own up to every consequence that comes your way.

I know what I am saying sounds really harsh, but to be honest, it must be said. It must be done. Because whether you choose to live as a non-religious person or a religious person, your actions define your present and your future. I don’t mean the afterlife either. I mean the freaking here and now.

And if groups such as Concerned Women for America focused on THAT instead of their own twisted version of “ministry” to shame folks into heaven, maybe we’d have heaven on earth. Or at least a really good time.

 

Thanks guys,

Eggs

I wonder

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It’s Samhain, or as we American folks call it, Halloween. I’ve been listening to various artists. One artist in particular I come back to: jennifer knapp.

She’s a Christian artist who was really big in the 90’s, and ended up disappearing out of nowhere. We find later that she left and moved to Australia. If you said wtf, then join the group.

Anyway, she met a nice girl, and decided to come out of the closet. I of course “knew” it(more like wishing really hard) and was all yay for her.

Well, her very fundy fans were NOT happy. Apparently being a lesbian and Christian doesn’t work.

A thought, just a thought:

What if it’s none of your business folks?! She’s in love, isn’t being beat to death, and is being honest to herself and her God.

I mean, if a fundy’s god is that small minded, then something is VERY wrong. I won’t take “you don’t know god’s ways”. That is a cop out and you know it. If he created her, then maybe, just maybe he knows.

Or maybe the idea of sexuality being something you can’t really box scares these folks.
It scared me, a lot. I was taught that my sexuality was not for ME. It was for the man I’d marry or convince myself that he loved me. I was a person that sexual acts were to be done TO, not to initiate. The shame that’s packed into a survivor’s body is enough to light a town. Couple that with the mixed signals one gets in youth church or at single’s conferences and you get a person who feels more like an object that a vibrant person.

And I feel, that it’s what they want us to feel like. It’s easier to debase yourself like a dog when you are told that your container…your body is dirty. It’s easier to depersonalize yourself when the emphasis in on the next life. This one is garbage!

And now, I look at Jennifer Knapp and wonder how she functions. What I mentioned is my own life, and I have to remind myself to breathe at times. I was so used to being an object, so very used to thinking my very normal desires were more kinky than age play…that the mere idea of someone desiring me sickened me.

I wanted intimacy, yet was poisoned against it. I was told to fear the male gaze. To assume that only teh PERFACT man of gawd could love and accept this broken effed up woman…made me my own enemy.

I feel angry, sorrowful, and retarded. I mean it in the fullest since of the word. I am a woman who was in arrested development for many years, and am only now trying to play catch up.

My innocence was stolen twice: first by my molesters, then by the very people I entrusted with my soul. I feel shipwrecked. And yet I can hear my mother’s own voice blaming me. Saying she warned me and that I deserved it.

I wonder if other refugees from fundamentalism feel this way. Just disjointed and envious of those who didn’t go through Jesus camp like training? Or do they never crack?

I wonder